Whod you bang
there's paper in my vomit.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
