two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
