When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
