I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize