the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
