I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
