About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize