We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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