corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
