I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
