i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
