The maid of honor just puked.
there's paper in my vomit.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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