my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
