New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You may now shotgun with the bride
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
