you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize