you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
