There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
