I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
