some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
