I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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