I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
