I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
