I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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