remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
