I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
