i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
