Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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