Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
