Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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