I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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