I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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