Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My ATM looks so different sober.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
