I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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