man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
