he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
