ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
