Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
