i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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