I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
