I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
