I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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