Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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