you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
