if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
