Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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