Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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