I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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