I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I understand Curling. That high.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I deserve to be covered in dicks
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
