I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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