i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
