Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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