I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
