1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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