Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
