dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
