i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i dont even know how to be here
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i think i just lost a toe
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
