It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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