cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
