There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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