btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
