Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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