The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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